My heart speaks

2012-02-14T23:12:00.004+08:00

I am afraid of how uglier the world will get in time to come. Of course organisations have been working hard to save and compensate for the damage the world has done to lovely Earth. But how many of us actually carry out the plans they've made for us? Like.. to use eco-friendly products etc. And it's very unethical when businesses cause even more damage to the Earth because the want to generate more profits.. And it's very sad to see because these people are parents to a lot of children. It'll be sad to know your if your Dad works for money by damaging something you desperately want to see live - The Earth.

AH! The music!!! ... yes. Haha. The songs are becoming really stupid and I don't know why people like these kind of songs when you can't even relate to that. An example would be Nicki Minaj's Stupid Hoe. (pulls a long face) OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU FUCKING RELATE TO THAT AND WHAT SENSE DOES IT EVEN MAKE??????? And 29,529,413 VIEWS????? REALLY BITCH?! Compared to like Jimmy Eat World's or some other good singers? -_________________-" That song is stupid. Even stupid is an understatement!

AND US. JUST LOOK AT US. MYSELF INCLUDED.
I may not drink or smoke and etc but I'm really a disappointment. I just want to be more religious..... I don't know why I keep wanting to perfect my English when I can't even read the Quran. ): Then again, no point pointing this out when I'm not doing anything to change the way I am and the way I live life.. But I will!!!!!

2012-02-12T16:45:00.002+08:00

I know.. I know I look stupid. And that I'd fall for anything. But I don't. I pick my battles, and I pick what I want to believe. And whatever I believe in is deemed true by me until proven otherwise. Because I hold the all the tools to make myself happy.

But then again, I control what gets to me. And as much as I use the phrase "be like water, don't let ripples disturb you", I don't actually practice it. Sometimes I would expect a bad thing to happen and plan on how to handle it, but when it really happens I just crash.

2012-02-07T01:54:00.003+08:00

I need to know why.... why these foreigners are underpaid but still have to pay more when they live in Singapore. I need to know why Singapore needs these foreign workers but still make it hard for them to live here. And why people keep mistreating them and looking down on them. They left their family and friends just to make life easier for us. Spare a thought.

No.. I am not a foreigner. I am a local. But these things.. they bother me. Where the welfare people at man? Hope they're making an effort...

The lead actress in Princess Diaries adopted the thinking that she should think for (her) people more than herself. Why don't you too?

2012-02-02T00:23:00.001+08:00

I'm starting to love so much.. it's scaring me.

2012-01-31T18:16:00.002+08:00

My marketing tutor said...
"These values are important because once the infatuation wears off that's what keeps you together."

K somewhere along those lines.

He also said something which I think people ought to know.
You know these foreigners? Yeah the ones who clean up the litters you throw on the ground, the ones who build the buildings you set your feet on, the ones who provides you with service at stores? You may hate all 1 million of them because they take away spaces in Singapore. But imagine them gone tomorrow. Who are going to build those buildings and clean up after your mess?

AND BESIDES...
Not all foreigners are perverts and whatever-you-may-want-to-describe-them-as. That's just stereotypical.

kay this made me miss Bob from Uniqlo ):
Haissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

2012-01-28T00:33:00.003+08:00

Okay stress level mounting...

I have...

2 assignments through the online website
3 projects yet to be completed (one of them we have not started because our ideas keep getting rejected)
1 test this coming Wednesday
5 exam papers

time to jump off a cliff.

shit there isn't any in Singapore.

Will a man-made cliff do?

2012-01-27T02:19:00.002+08:00

February is going to be a helluva month for me. I even hate the thought of welcoming it. I'm scared to take exams and tests because I never know if there are gonna be disappointments awaiting me. Nothing sucks more than a shitty reflection of your effort.

2012-01-24T17:08:00.001+08:00

I like planning birthday surprises for my loved ones (with my loved ones) so much that I'm even thinking of setting up a business! And one more is.. Shit I forgot. Heh. But anyways.. Lemme talk about some of the birthday plans!

Hmm kay let's talk about the boy's 20th birthday on 5th December 2011! Spent so long thinking and developing the idea and it was so scary and exciting carrying the plan out!!!

K so on the eve of his birthday, I did some last minute things like buying him a cake, print some pictures etc. Went home and prepared him his card and some other things. hehehehe~ I was counting down to midnight and it was so pressurizing! Had to beg him not to even step out of his house or else he would spoil his own surprise.

So.. I left my house at 11PM with the cake, the long 'frame' and a shopping bad with other stuffs inside. It was so scary carrying all those things by myself. And I almost slipped and fell! Reached his block and pasted post-it notes from the 7th floor to 14th floor. For every floor I had to carry all of those things I brought with me. I had to do it fast. I didn't have much time to continue till the 16th floor!! Should've left my house earlier. Then at 11.50+ I placed candles(shaped it 20!) right at his doorstep and I was trembling because I was afraid he might hear me from inside. It was 11.58PM when I light the candles! TWO MINUTES TO RUSH UP TO 14TH FLOOR WITH ALL THE STUFFS SUPER SCARY!! And on the 14th floor was where I waited with his cake :)

** if you're not sure what I did with the post-it notes.. watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6IoKnPERrQ

okay that was the midnight surprise. The next day, I met up with him in the afternoon and waited for him in the cab. I told the cab driver where to head to after fetching him beforehand so he wouldn't know. I forgot to bring my eye mask so I had to make him close his eyes throughout the journey to Mountfaber to have dinner in the cable car! I haven't been in the cable car before that's why I chose it hehe :P

Then at night we headed to East Coast and just spent the rest of the night till his birthday ends together :>

TAAAAADAAAA ~
Okay maybe it's simple to you but it was soooo fun especially pasting the post-it notes and making him climb the stairs!!!!

AND NOW HE'S ALREADY PLANNING FOR MY BIRTHDAY WHICH WILL BE IN ABOUT 2 MONTHS++ TIME. He has planned it quite long ago and he's been making me excited. AND I KNOW I SHOULD BE COS IT'S GONNA BE DAMN BLOODY AWEEEEESOME.

Can't wait!!!!!!!!

Last week, we celebrated Irene's 17th and Zakiah's 18th! Aliah and Dora headed over to fetch them both from their house. I heard they both didn't know what to wear and how they were scared when Dora and Aliah weren't holding on to them when they had to wear the eye masks. Aliah and Dora made them listen to music and covered their eyes with eye masks so they wouldn't know where they were heading. Zakiah as usual cannot keep silent and was like guessing and all. Irene could even hear her -.- And as for me I had to head out to East Coast alone because the rest cycled over to East Coast ):

The guys and I set up by laying mats on the sand and then drew the heart shape around it! The contour was defined by adding water! The way the two birthday girls walked over.. was damn funny. Hehehe the video's in my phone! Spent the night by the water eating lots of food. Cycled with the girls and then laid on the mat under night sky.

Good day with my lovelies <3 Loveeeee all of them!!!

Next is Ahmad Dan's and Aliah's!!! WHAT TO DO WHAT DO TO.... hmm ^^

2012-01-21T16:54:00.004+08:00

I'm so glad that I'll be schooling only on Wednesday next week. But.. My candyman will be busy working during so I'll be left alone during the holiday ): Okay meeting my bestfriend on one of the days so it's okay. Haha seriously whatever happened to my social life man!

And anyways.. at this stage I see many trying to move on. And whenever spoken about it, I look back and remember that person I was. It wasn't easy. And of course, people who don't know me may think that it was easy for me to move on and love again. It wasn't. The journey was harsh and I don't think it is ever easy for anyone especially if the relationship meant the world to them.

I honestly think when people really want to move on, they have to stop thinking there's hope. Hope makes us hold on to something we're not even sure will happen. We have to weigh the consequences of holding on and letting go. Most times, undeniably, letting go becomes a better choice.

When we think of the other person, we tend to think of the good times. The next time, why don't you look again?

There's so much to this. Moving on was(still is for some people) suicidal.

But! When you have moved on.. You'll feel great. Like.. "Ohhhhh yeah I'm off the hook. I can sleep fall asleep with a smile on my face. No more -floodgates- at night." You're just gonna be happy that you're not that weak person anymore. And you'll actually be thankful that things like that happened. No worries.... because the calamity will be over. It may take long, but it'll be worth it.

I've yet to be put through the true test. But when I do... I hope I pass.

And I thank my Candyman for staying throughout. And I love him for a million more reasons than just that. I love him so much I don't like sleeping cos I might miss him. I love him so much I can't wait to wake up and see him again. I'm filled with so much love from him. I don't know how to explain how much I love him but from this, maybe you're able to tell?

2012-01-20T00:32:00.000+08:00

That day was funnnnnnnnn (way back in 2011) and the movie Hop was stupid.
"OH SON IM SO PROUD YOU'RE THE EASTER BUNNY!"
I mean like seriously... how realistic is that right?

and okay I also posted this picture cos my hair (esp the hair colour) was nice......
back then. Oh well :(

2012-01-16T20:05:00.001+08:00

Wanna talk about how much I cannot stand the Makciks around my area. I know who to be nice to and who don't deserve any flying fuck. Fine, this post already shows I give a damn and I seriously don't know why I'm wasting energy on you people but I think ranting here makes me feel better..

Leave my mom out of this one.

You know.. Doesn't mean you're children cover up unlike me, they are fucking saints. And yes, it does not make you one either given the fact that you made your friends turn to look at me. You're gossiping about me so what makes you think you're any better? If you ever ever step into this house, I hope you know that I won't acknowledge you and your fucking presence.

And don't you ever talk to my mom about me and my lack of respect. You want respect? You fucking earn it.

2012-01-15T23:57:00.001+08:00

Okay putting pictures with these two up because.. their birthdays are coming. Love them to the bits although they can be super blur and gullible at times. Not saying I'm not but.. yeah. Haha.

I've been doing nothing for the weekends except completing my tutorials. Seriously, weekends has lost its meaning. Okay no, it just means so much lesser of Candyman because he has to work. *sheds some tears*
But weekends seriously DON'T MATTER ANYMORE!

No work. No need to study so much when I have studied during the weekdays. Just stare at the ceiling and think.. "Nothingness isn't that bad afterall!"

life's good. I just don't know where i'll go after poly because it's just SO hard.
Study and you still get shit results. What kind of reflection of my effort is that shit man seriously. -.-
Done w PSLE and O'levels and here I am in Poly suffering. Save me!
Can we just re-do O'levels over and over again because that is much easier.

2012-01-11T19:37:00.000+08:00

what a harsh day.

Idea got rejected by cds tutor. Actually no, he asked us to develop more. And then there was this girl in class who didn't seem to like me. She is overwhelmed with arrogance. Hais why do these people even exist. AND WHEN THE FUCK THE DID I EVEN OFFEND HER SIA. -.-"

and then...
neh I don't wanna talk about it. I have not even recovered yet zzzzzz

2012-01-11T19:02:00.002+08:00

Okay I may seem bitchy but I only am to people who offends me.

really.

SO I CANT STAND PEOPLE WHO HATES ME FOR NO REASON OR BECAUSE OF THE WAY I LOOK. I KNOW I LOOK STUPID BUT WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO BE DISLIKING ME BECAUSE OF MY INCAPABILITY. ugh.

And then again i'm not that stupid what!

2012-01-11T01:22:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna write about something personal here. A feeling that has been exceptionally overwhelming for many nights now.

I was complicated, letting my things get to me and let it bring me down. I wasn't in a healthy state of mind then, and I messed things up really bad. It took me weeks before I finally decided that I shouldn't give up on someone who loved me the way I wanted to be loved.

I know I ever said I wouldn't want to get into another relationship after the last break up. I thought to myself.. I'm seventeen. I have so many things yet to be accomplished, so many more things I have to handle. I didn't want to get into relationship and cause or handle any unnecessary dramas. I'm sensitive and I can be a jealous bitch so that makes me difficult.

And I know I said I'd rather be alone because I wasn't exactly over the one before too :/ (don't know why those feelings keep returning but it hasn't returned and I hope it won't return plspls) And because I'm difficult, I didn't want him to suffer and be put through the dramas!

But then I remember those nights I wished to be loved more than I can love, that the guy I love wouldn't give up on me even when times are hard or when I push him away a lot even if it was for the best reasons (because I know how it feels) and to be loved in the sweetest way.

With him, I realized that... It's a self-fish thing to be more loved than to love. I wasn't careful when I wished for that. Because it feels like SHIT when you can't give someone what they deserve. I pushed him a lot, like really hell A LOT that I was certain he would give up on me someday. Because I did(not in this rship) and I can't imagine if he didn't. But my Candyman was persistent (like always) and HE TRIUMPHED. (claps) hehe no for you i give tight hug pecks pecks pecks! AND IT WOULDN'T KILL ME TO TRY RIGHT??

But sadly that wasn't the only pain I caused him.... ): But he forever keeps his cool.. even when I'm complicated or really bitchy smth like that haha.

Heeeeeeeee I love my Sugacoated Candyman. <3

AND YES HE'S MY LOUIS!!!!

2012-01-09T18:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish life isn't this harsh. But tests of strength only comes from these battles right? I'll never back down.

It's in my nature to be competitive. I hate it when people think I can't... I get angry and then.. HAH PROVED WRONG BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

think that's just me.

totally stubborn and competitive.

2012-01-06T02:33:00.001+08:00

I think the way I look at things and the way I feel about things are different now? I feel more positive! Although I am still afraid of a lot of things.. I feel kinda okay. I feel so much better than before.

Things may seem confusing but it's just that I'm lazy to explain. Uhm okay no, I just don't want to bother explaining anymore to people I guess. Gotta stop talking too much and actually just live my life the way I want to.

Anyways, been spending time with Firdaus(K) lately :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
kk bye :)

2012-01-02T10:01:00.000+08:00

I know you're wondering why my previous emtry was a little engaging.. cos I know I have readers!!! Blogger has changed and allows me to know how many pageviews there has been from the first entry!!

But not to worry.. I don't know who visits. So if you want to remain anonymous.. you may :)

2012-01-02T09:41:00.001+08:00

I am on my attempt to fix my body clock. I have 12 more hours to go to my desired bedtime. And I am seriously hoping I can make it through this 12 hours. I'm NOT giving in to sleep. Gotta resist temptations..

But anyways, feel weird to be awake at this timing. It's not a brand new day for me until I wake up from a night's sleep. Or not exactly night.. but yeah. I'm not a morning person at all.. Forever zombified when the sun comes up but when darkness starts to creep in slowly I just turn to become.. alive. Like I've been reborned. Pardon me... I haven't had sleep since last night. So I don't really know how to control what I type.
What an excuse right? No sleep means I can't control... -.-

School starts tomorrow and yeah I am seriously dreading it. Waking up at 0745/0800 and rush to 0900 class. Especially on Wednesdays... Damn it I hate Wednesdays. One of my tutors has a high self-esteem.. I don't know why but I feel like he thinks he's good-looking... But with that moustache and goatee. Think it's because I prefer clean-shaved men. They're more... neat.

AH YES SPEAKING OF THIS...

I was with Andrew on the way home on night and he pointed out that Malaysian guys like to grow moustache.. And then during the previous trip to KL, I realized that he was totally right. And I'm sorry but their system there is not really user-friendly.

Example.. Their escalators and staircase. How come they build only one escalator.. Going up. How come they do not have the ones going down. Maybe they're trying to ensure that people burn calories every now and then but.. what about those handicapped? How the hell are they suppose to get down?

Another one! They build a long platform for the Monorail but it's sad that their monorail are actually.. tiny. With only one door. Entering and exiting the monorail at ease was not possible.. And resorting to a cab would be a bad idea because with the bad traffic, you cannot get somewhere faster than you can by taking trains.

Since I'm already at this KL trip topic may I rant a bit more..
Service! Damn I don't understand why people up till today do not see the importance of service. Even in Singapore. Basically... Good service > Customer satisfaction > Loyalty > Profits even in the future! ZzZzZZ
at KL's Pavilion's Basement.. there's Subway. That fat fucker wouldn't give me a good service and he was even retaliating. And my brother and me accidentally pushed down one of their thing (WHICH WON'T EVEN CAUSE ANY CRITICAL DAMAGE FYI OMG NO NOT EVEN A MINIMAL DAMAGE NOT EVEN ANYYYY DAMAGE) and he gave us a bitchy look. (wasn't the only thing that happened.. some veggy issues too...) I felt like slapping his face right there but I was too far away.. Bet he's fired and slapped by someone already by now. Really wonder what was his malfunction. He needs some fixing.

Then cheating. I don't know why people want to walk around with ($.$) kind of face and could even bear to cheat people of their money. We were cheated by this Indian cab driver. We should've known but.. Sigh. I know it's wrong to talk about a dead man cos right after cheating he was MOST probably knocked down by a huge bus or lorry.. or was did his vehicle explode.. but I'm sorry this is just too much. The fare was supposedly $20.40 but he told us that it was public holiday so it was twice the fare. Bullshit! The highest surcharge in Singapore is 50% WHYTF in Malaysia it's 100%?????? hais my reaction forever damn slow... -.-

Then then then!!! Another bad experience. Reckless driver who won't look to where he is driving, banging his steering wheel while singing, driving at (100-110) km/h even when he needed to make sharp turns and barely held onto his steering wheel. I wouldn't be mad but our lives were on the line. If he wanted to die he needn't drag us along. I told him off but he jokingly said he could even drive with his eyes closed.. Hais.....

But even with all of these.. I know that there are more nice people in Malaysia. I just had bad experiences. It's self-fish of me to stereotype so I won't. And the food there are heavenly. DAMN AWESOME seriously....

hahahaha another bad impression of me.
Emotional bitch and queen of complain... how the hell did I get friends right? Not only that.. I'm also problematic and a complete idiot who's good at breaking hearts.. especially my own.

But dyou know who I am underneath it all?
:)

2011-12-31T18:23:00.001+08:00

My mom asked me if I'm going out later for Countdown but I honestly don't feel like doing anything. If I told you I want to be alone.. will you let me?

2011-12-31T02:48:00.000+08:00

I can totally relate to Blair in Gossip Girl's Season 4 Episode 22. Like seriously.. Even Dora says it's freaky!!
I just need to change the names... :/

Chuck: The party's almost over.
Louis: I know. But Blair hasn't arrived yet.
Chuck: How could you be sure she's coming?
Louis: Because I love her. And just as important, I believe in her. I know she's scared, but she'll figure it out. And I'll be here when does.

Blair: Why did you just do that?
Chuck: Because of what you said earlier.
Blair: About being happy? Chuck, that's not the most important thing. People don't write sonnets about being compatible. Or novels about shared life goals and stimulating conversation. The great loves are the crazy ones. L'amour fou.
Chuck: Blair we're not living in Paris in the 20s.

Chuck: There's a difference between a great love and the right love. I left the Empire State Building last year after two minutes when you didn't show. Louis waited all night. This is your chance at happiness. You think you shouldn't want it 'cause you've never had it and it scares you. But you deserve your fairytale.
Blair: We make our own fairytales.
Chuck: Only when we have to.

Blair: I didn't want to let you go just yet.
Chuck: Don't let anyone tell you you're not powerful. You're the most powerful woman I know.

Blair: It's taking all the power I have to walk away from you.
Chuck: I know. But I need to let you go. You need to let go.
Blair: I'll always love you.
Chuck: I will always love you.

credits:http://www.planetclaire.org/quotes/gossipgirl/season-four/the-wrong-kiss-goodnight.php

2011-12-30T00:30:00.004+08:00

I don't feel like socializing anymore. I'm okay with the people I have now. I don't want to open up to any other people anymore and having to explain to people over and over again about how my life has been or what problems I'm facing. Some genuinely cares, others are just fucking curious and will start judging and salting my fucking wound. So I'm sorry. It's not like I don't care, but my patience for you has ceased. Fuck you and your judgments. And fyi, FOR EVERY MISTAKE YOU HAVE MADE... I HAVE NEVER LET IT AFFECT ME OR EVEN JUDGE YOU FOR THAT MATTER.

I'm sorry I'm just toooo annoyed.

And I think I've exposed too much of my feelings on Twitter.. Making people think that I'm that emotional bitch who's feeling too much about everything. Okay okay maybe I'm that way. But really, I've exposed too much. So I should tone down a little...

2011-12-30T00:06:00.003+08:00

may i blog about something personal?

2011-12-23T17:55:00.002+08:00

Here's an entry before I head to KL later. Really not looking forward... at all. Never really liked going Malaysia. I just do not like the environment there. It makes me feel insecure and makes me want to fly back home to my bed and hide under the covers. Too much? :/

Anyways.. Lately, I started to not like going out. All I wanna do is just stay home, lay on my bed until I get tired of laying there, then just watch Gossip Girl or New Girl. I do not like going out, even if it means going to McDonald's which is just 5 minutes away. But that does not mean I do not like meeting my friends and hang out. I love time spent with them.. as much as I love time spent with myself. Holiday has not felt this good after so long.

Anyways the amazing boy came over to pass me back my bag and brought along my Durian Smoothie just now!! :> Awesumzzzzz~

This week I've watched New Year's Eve, which you may think is the same as Valentine's Day (which sucked) but it's not!!! It's quite good! :> And I watched Sherlock Holmes too but.. I slept when it's nearing the end. These kind of movies never really appeal to me. But I can not deny his intelligence is.. (jaw drops).

and so...

farewell my friends.

(waves)

2011-12-22T00:16:00.005+08:00

I couldn't wait to get home today because I wanted to blog about this year. And now that I can, I do not how to start.. Okay chronologically! To make things neat.

At the beginning of this year, I had a job as a retail associate at a store named Uniqlo.(sidetrack: I started working at Uniqlo on Nov 18 2010, six days after O'levels ended!) It was an amazing experience and throughout the 11 months that I worked there, I have learnt to fold really fast, mop hell lots of dust (ugh big ball of dusts all around in the morning), and deal with both amazingly nice and awfully difficult customers. And I'm glad and proud to say that Uniqlo has made me more courteous than ever before.

Oh! And I also got my results for O'levels and I did rather okay I guess? Although.. if I were given the chance to retake it, I would. 14 - 2(cca points) was.. just okay. Mediocre? :/ Anyways, then I got posted to Temasek Polytechnic Business School! And yeaaaarp my results sucked for the first semester. Ugh how much the mistakes I made.

And speaking of mistakes.. I made lots of them. Like seriously hell lots of them. Like.. lending money that I have not gotten back up till today, saying things I thought I was sure of and did things I thought I really wanted to. With these and more complications I had to face this year, I began to hate myself and for the decisions I made. And it's getting harder to love myself each day..

Friends.. I really love them. They were there for me through the good and the bad especially. Bad times actually got me closer to some people.. Andrew for instance! Comforted me like mad when I was uber upset over studies and some matters. I'm hoping to spend my new years with them!

Okay I really don't know what else so I'll stop here. Gonna blog more about this year when some more come to mind.

And.. CHRONOLOGICALLY MY ASS.

2011-12-18T01:54:00.000+08:00

I haven't had the time for myself in a really long time. Today, except for the part when I met Dhaniah, Syaza and then Farah, I felt extremely lonely. In the day it was in a bad way, but when night comes.. it actually started to make me feel good.

Tonight I created a new blog, manicured my nails (non-coloured.. I love how it shines) and watched two episodes of Gossip Girl. And accompanied by old music by Nickelback while I type this out. Yup, I miss those songs as much as I miss you. But even if these feelings decide to stay, I have to move on with my life. If we ever meet again someday, then it's probably fate.

Ah here comes the part where.. Isn't she with someone new right now? Partially untrue. Maybe it was stated on Facebook that I'm someone else's.. But then I came to a conclusion that I'm not ready for a relationship. So I'm friends with that awfully nice guy who loves me. I'm nothing but a letdown. Le sigh.

Who knows who I'd end up with in the end, right? Let fate decide. Things like that will fall into place themselves...

2011-12-17T22:52:00.001+08:00

Yes! I'm back to blogging. I miss Blogger. I remembered assuring Blogger I woudn't switch to Tumblr but I did. I'm sorry it was too interesting..

Hmm, okay I haven't exactly been a happy person. I always let things get to me. If anyone would prefer a cheerful girl.. it's definitely not me. And I'm definitely hard to handle.

These weeks (or months) I've been in a mess. I get confused and angry at myself a lot, but I'm glad that people are still willing to stick around. It has also brought me closer to people. I hated it when people put salt to my wound though. I tell you to have my sadness halved, not to feel worse about myself. But you just had to rub it in my face, right? Hm.